By Karen Rowe for MOMeo Magazine
 
Let’s say you’ve fallen in love. Wait, it gets more complicated. 

He’s got kids from a previous marriage, or you have.  If you are going to take it further, there’s a lot you need to know about blending your families. 

Blending families is a difficult and emotionally dangerous undertaking. (Re)Marrying someone with their own kids is not as easy as just moving in and getting along. There’s much more to it. 

The first thing people should realize, says Campbell, is the process has to start long before the moving van shows up.  Blending needs to take place prior to the actual marriage.

“You are about to embark on an entirely new life and engage in a new definition of family, says Campbell.

“That means asking some tough questions and exploring with your partner what parenting means for you.”

So how do you do that?

Ask lots of questions

Campbell advises a sit-down, state-of-the-union type discussion with your partner:

“Go through the expectations that each one has for living in a home, explore what the family’s responsibilities are and set boundaries around parenting and step-parenting.”

“How is it all going to work as you begin to integrate your life with your new spouse?”

Campbell is adamant: couples need to explore these issues before the new partner is even introduced to the children.

Carolyn Ellis, creator of the divorce-resource kit and author if the award-winning book 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid to Help Your Children Thrive After Divorce, completely agrees. She stresses the importance of making sure the relationship is really solid before taking it to the next level:

“You really want to avoid having your kids face the loss of another significant relationship, so take your time and go slow.”

Emily Bouchard is a marriage coach and author of Conquering Conflict:  Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflicts. She believes in the importance of being clear as a couple, assessing the realities of any situation, and asking tough questions:

What are the challenges? What are the custody issues? What are the transitions going to be like? Is the ex-husband or wife going to be a cooperative co-parent, or is there a lot of animosity? What works with the kids, what doesn’t? What aren’t you going to be able to change, what can you accomplish together, and:  is this ever going to work?

Look at the realities surrounding money. Bouchard believes one of the most important questions is what is going to make it worth it to blend these lives?

“Paint a really clear picture of your life together,” says Bouchard, “how can this blending further our goals and intentions for the kids and ourselves?”

This is not the time to gloss over the truth, she adds.

Ellis says it’s great to have conversations about your parenting styles. Who will be disciplining who? What the common rules and the code of conduct going to be in the household? How do the children and parents treat each other, communicate and encourage one other?

Introducing the Kids

After you have realistically assessed your situation, the next step is to introduce the children. Ellis suggests a first meeting that is low key, open, friendly and low pressure for everyone involved:

“Try and find a situation which is authentic to how your family lives their day-to-day lives,” says Ellis, “get to know each other through an authentic situation, rather than being a show-and tell project.”

Everyone is trying to manage multiple roles and multiple sets of expectations, adds Ellis, and to keep in mind that you are doubling the amount of relationships children have to manage.

“The children are trying to figure out where they fit in to this new dynamic,” says Ellis.

“They are wondering what the union will mean for them, trying to understand how they are supposed to act, and worried about the changes a marriage or move-in might bring to the household, and the relationship with their biological parents.”

Keep Communication Open

Second marriages with kids don’t last 80 per cent of the time because they aren’t open and honest.

One of the ways to prevent that, says Ellis, is actively seeking to keep communication open – both with children and your partner. If your kids act out, the process to deal with conflict needs to be clearly understood. Have an agreement on how to resolve conflicts, and an understanding on roles and responsibilities. Be proactive and address issues before there is conflict.

“A lot of the issues you have in blended families are the same as all families.  With a step-parent, the differences in parenting style and communication style get magnified,” says Ellis. 

Involve the kids in whatever ways you can. Have conversations, rather than lay down the law.

Bouchard insists that building a really strong foundation of trust right from the beginning is a necessity, even more than first marriages.

Some parents don’t realize that for the children, trust has been broken. From their point of view, the marriage that was supposed to work, didn’t.  They will naturally question why this one will be any different.

“Adults have reasons why it didn’t work out – but children don’t. The parents were together and then they weren’t,” says Bouchard. 

Ellis suggests adopting the following motto: Don’t Take Anything Personally. 

“Kids will have their emotions and reactions. It might have nothing at all to do with you,” says Ellis, adding the new partner shouldn’t be looking for the children’s approval, or a sense of belonging. The important thing is to talk about it.

Establish Respect

Bouchard points out that just because a parent has fallen in love, it doesn’t mean that the kids will:

“Children will feel like they are betraying the other parent by becoming attached to the step-parent. They may push the step-parent away so they don’t have to feel guilty.”

It’s clear what newly blended step-parents have to do, says Bouchard: establish respect:

“Respect is different than love, and more important to establish in the beginning.”

When disciplining or establishing household rules or boundaries, respect will carry more weight than love.

“Respect is a really important relational tool to use with children,” says Bouchard.

“Children are watching and observing at all times. The more consistently the couple can parent the children, the happier the household will be.”

Get Support

The last piece of advice from all the experts is the same: if you hit up against roadblocks, be proactive and get help.

If you struggle and there’s conflict, there are many resources to support the family:

“Situations can sometimes be very volatile. Bringing in a blending family professional can help manage emotions, behaviour and language,” says Bouchard.

There are often free coaching and teleseminars available online; professionals will let you know what options are available – and what steps to take to transition more smoothly.